02 February 2012

DirtY bOSS

Magi, is a secretary at a top rate juice company whose work has to do with answering phone calls and handling paper work. One morning, she was called into the MD’s office because he wanted her to make his coffee.  He claimed the coffee girl has a nauseating strong musk smell, he couldn’t endure. And until the management could find a person to serve, Magi would make his coffee.
Magi had to abandon everything to serve the MD's coffee. After a sip, the man dropped his spoon. Magi got under his desk to retrieve the spoon for washing – without warning her boss inserted his hand through her skirt, shifted her pant to the side and grabbed her clits.
Magi jumped, quite shocked, mouth agape – the man gave her a sweet smile demonstrating he wasn’t doing anything bad. He was so cool as though, he had been intimate with Magi.
If you are in Magi’s shoes, what would you do? If Magi is your girlfriend, got home and told you this story, what would be your reaction?

Tempt Him

…tempt him this season of love in the best way you can. Get provocative without being pornographic. Eve did well with temptation, and now it’s your turn.

Play the ultimate seductress this season and tantalize him to the core. Slip on some delicious golden necklace with a heart shaped pendant stopping at your delicate throat. Put on an alluring red slashed top which will make your cleavage provocative but not pornographic. With your hair bonded into bun, chignon or French twist, wear long earrings that add to this saucy statement. 

Top this look up with a flat-front denim deep blue wash that are long, lean, and narrow with a straight leg. ‘Avoid super low jeans which will appear to lengthen your waist and shorten your legs.’ Not the look you will love. Done choosing the right denim jeans, tuck in your top to emphasize on your hips or choose a top that hit at your waist. Top this entire outfit with heels. Open toes wedges will go well with this. With your feel good pot look, he would love you in many different ways he has never done before.

Thief On My Case sha!

Two weeks after my loss at the camp ground, I was numbed – it was as though my life has ended. My hurt has nothing to do with the money, but my flash-drives which contained so much! I fought with the copyright company in U.S who protects my intellectual properties, when they wouldn’t allow me the access to my work unless we go to court. The question was where do I start? For a longer while, I couldn’t pick up a pen and write a word on a paper.

Most times I knew what I wanted to say, I just couldn’t get them out. Everything in my life suffered the loss. Even my looks did.  My belly stayed empty for several weeks. My appetite took leave of me and the only thing which could pass through my throat was water. The typical Yorubas around me said, ‘Dami, you never could tell o, it must be your misfortune this 2011 that God has taken away with the pouch,’ like say na so God wicked reach, wey hin go dey trade one goodness exchange for another for my life. I no kuku mind any pelson.  But for my dreams, the contents i the flash-drives would come to me and I will jump awake.

I almost ran mad. It’s now I’m getting myself and I couldn’t wait to gist you guys.  Two weeks after my loss as I was saying before I digressed. It was on a Saturday morning, the last Saturday of the month actually. I woke up feeling happy on this day. I’m a very deep person, and since my loss I got used to feeling suddenly depressed.  And the depression sooner knew no bound.

A friend of mine from New Jersey called that morning. He cheered me up and spoke with my friend. After the call, my girlfriend went out her chores.  I looked around me, my books and clothes were scattered all over the place. If my friend’s grandma came out, she wouldn’t like the place messed up the way it was.  I got up, packed my things and those which didn’t belong to me, and then placed them in their rightful places.

There was a dirty mug I wanted to take to the kitchen, I picked it up. There was this brother, who was visiting my friend . He was their family friend. I looked at my phone, and then at this brother and said to myself, there was no problem. I couldn’t explain why I did that. I didn’t spend up to five minutes before I returned to the bedroom. The brother was gone and also my phone!

Thank God my friend was present, when I finished receiving the international call. She was the last person to use the phone. People in the house would have said: Don’t Dami; she does not know where she kept the phone.
True talk though, I’m absent minded. I fit no give you ten kobo, and talk say I give you plenty money. If you see me for road, I beg just pick race. Only God knows which kind memory and spirit wey fit dey follow me waka then. 

Initially the phone was ringing, but within twenty minutes, it was switched off.  The sim card wey I don dey use for the past eight years and some months and never lost for one day – even though mtn na stingy network, I still prefer them.

Small time, the brother show face and begin swear say him no take am, when I confronted him. For the first two days, my friend’s family were on the culprit’s side.  Howbeit, the next day up till now, the family turned against him. He stole another person’s phone in the house. God fought for me. But that didn’t return my phone o! And contacts of many years which I will could never retrieved. I no dey do mtn back up. But now I don do o! But the backup, no dey free sha, na 50 naira card. 

My people na small out of the suffer wey i experienced for 2011 be that. More tory still don come.

Catch ya later!

Prayer Ground, Thievery Sanctuary For some People

Last year, I was at Ebute Metta when my siblings telephoned. They were at the Redeem Camp Ground for the Holy Ghost Congress. They were badly cashlight. The money I had on me was at home in Ikorodu. How do I get money to them, now wey I dey shit like faucet wey don lose its grip? I asked myself. I know no wetin I chop wey dey I dey vist toilet like hell. The only cash I had with me at Ebute Metta was meant to make my hair, buy recharge card and a make a few trips round the city.

Howbeit, family means a lot to me. So I put a few clothes in my bag and set on my way to Ikorodu. First i branched at IK’s salon to make my hair. As usual there were crowds of beautiful ladies going and coming out of the shop. It’s a place even babes, wey no get sisi for pockets try form big girls with their lousy make-up and their cheap deodorants which smelt like corpse wey don decay.

One of the salon apprentices was doing cornrows on my head. Voices were colliding like traders in Yaba market before it was haltered. Normally this chatter coming from these different personalities would have made me laugh inwardly. Not on this day. Rather, their grating voices were exciting my system. You don find yourself, for that kind situation before? It dey messy. I prayed my phone won’t ring. I could not even open my mouth to speak one word.

Three hours don pass since I arrived the salon, the apprentice bobo still they make my hair. The poop excitement rushed down my anus, I kept sending it back. Then goose bumps didn’t stop forming on my arms. Small time, I opened my mouth in that my sexy, sensual, very noticeable way I speak English and talk say:

‘Sorry, show me to your rest room.’

The guy eye scanned me from head to toe. Hin dey check my status again, If i fit use the kind toilet wey dem get. ‘Do you want to pee?’

I said with a fashion flicking a strand of hair from my raven eye lash, upon my messy situation o! ‘No. I’m having running stomach.’ No pelson go eva believe say I dey shit upon my polish grammar, like say na only me go school. Mmmm.

The moment I said I was having running stomach, all eyes directed at me. I knew what was going on in their minds – So you too dey shit? And this kind shit self? Oh, Black Oyinbo, don fall for gutter o!
The apprentice boy looked from me to the ladies, but not gentlemen and back to me. ‘Sorry, you can’t use our toilet, it’s really bad.’ He said.

‘No problem,’ I said getting up hurriedly. ‘I will be back soon. I won’t take more than twenty minutes.’ Na so, I catwalk commot fo the salon o, even though the shit dey fire me for body. As I branched corner, wey none of them dey see me again, I begin run!

When I showed up at the salon street, back from my shitting excursion, all eyes were on me.
Our oyinbo, you don shit finish? Eh-ya, pele o! we no go forget this day wey you shit for our face.
I could swear it was what they were saying in their minds of me. After my hair do finish, I rushed down home. Got money from my save, clothes, and other necessities and headed for Redemption Camp Ground. The moment i alighted from the bus; I started calling my younger ones’ phones.

Holy crap! Their handsets were turned off. As enormous as the camp ground, where do I begin to look for these children? Despite that I was on holy ground, typical of me when I'm frustrated, I started to swear after thirty minutes of fruitless search. I couldn’t care much about my spiritual life just then. There is a bit of raciness in me which comes to surface sometimes. Times like this, wey pelson dey make me para.

Since morning, I haven’t had a meal. I was afraid if anything goes does my belly, it will help my shitting ministration. In my regal brown garment which was long past my feet, I walked to the market area of the camp ground. I stopped at a food marquee, paid for a plate of rice and fish and took my medication. My phone beeped. When I looked down at the screen, it had an empty battery icon.
Gawd! How could I've left the whole of Lagos State to come to a place like this in search of young men and women, I could not precisely say this is where to look for them, and now my phone was dying?

I left the food marquee. In my mind, the pouch which contained four flash-drives conveying transcripts from my college days, every intellectual pieces I’ve created from the time when I discovered my gifts, rare educational books. I couldn’t begin to mention lots of valuables the devices enclosed. Memory cards, solid card reader, driver’s license, ATM card, earrings, eyeliners, lipsticks etc, trust women now. More than Fifty Thousand Naira was as well in the pouch. I thought I was with this my treasured Gray pouch, stuck under my armpit as usual.

I had my phone and charger in both hands. Within ten minutes, I had reached where I wanted to charge my phone battery. I wanted to pay the lady charging phones, when I found that I was no longer with my pouch. I remembered, I left it on the table at the canteen. As fast as my legs could carry me, I walked back to the food tent. Behold people…. Ugh - my pouch was gone!
That night, my cry pass pikin wey dem just cut hin prick to become a man. I told everyone who cared to listen to help search for my pouch.

The Redeem Welfare Department could render no help in terms of search for my pouch. Isn’t that too bad for a church as big as Redeem Christina Church Of God? They wouldn’t even announce for me. The only thing I cared about that moment, was my flash-drives which contained my life, I would say.

One of the Chaplain Officers, a sweet looking young man, was helpful. He gave me Two Hundred Naira. I beg, make I no lie to you, I almost threw the money back at him. What does he think? That I am one of these latest beggars we have in the city, who will dress decently and still beg? Upon the gleaming iphone and the blackburry plus the jim, jim Jeep wey hin get, na two hundred naira he fit offer in this situation. Who ask him for money? I take my small eye rake am badly from head to toe. But, I no throw the money back at him sha o!
I no pray one single prayer as Baba Adeboye, dey fire from the altar. I no come pray, na money I come give my younger ones. I take that one console myself. And once I make up my mind on something, it’s hard for me to change. No praying. I screamed in my mind and began crying again. I thank God; my phone was in my hand. It would have gone with the pouch.

Before dawn, I finally reached my siblings. I gave one of them the two hundred naira to hold for me. Guess what he did with the money? He gave it up for offering! I felt like punching him in the face. Look at the multitude at the camp ground, my offering couldn’t have counted, was the statement my quick tongue made. Seriously, among these massive amount of worshipers that were present at the Holy Ghost Congress, God no fit recognize offering, especially that time wey i no dey happy .

In the late morning, after I don waka all the camp ground with small hope say I go find my pouch nevertheless. I dey go the main entrance to go meet my friend’s husband wey com carry me go home with his car – I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. It was an irresistible young man who must be in his thirties. I hurriedly put up a smile on my scowling face.

‘Sorry, I think you should wrap your head tie about your waist.’ He said.

I turned and my eyes flickered to my back. Goodness God! My purple poker dots elastic pant was outside. Only God knows what chemical I sat on which dissolved the garment, and it tore it mercilessly that my entire butt was outside.

It was a battle day for me. I wasn’t only robbed; I was a big show for the lost souls. I didn’t say thank you to the guy. I simply turned and started walking away. Sooner before I reached the gate, my two slippers cut. Na hin i began waka barefooted, scarf tied about my waist like pepper seller!