14 February 2011
I always said I would know where to find love. In spite all that has happened, I always thought by now, I would be stronger. My world was changed, but once before I unwillingly let go...
They say without love the flowers would have no colors. Without love the sun would be without warmth. I told myself , the saying is true. On this special occasion Valentine Day, I felt rather dried up, like a lumber in dry season. Though I received couple of lovely messages over the night that was enough to make one happy. Yes it did make me happy, but not excited! Deep down I was shattered, broken, bitter. I am a damaged woman. The little peace I was able to muster over the time, slowly ebb away, because it has been tainted with fear, betrayal, grief severally. Though couple of times, I tried to revive it. But what happens to crop that is not nurtured? It withers, before the harvest time. I wonder if I would ever know true happiness as I had many times let people find it in me. True happiness; true love, I wonder if the candle that burns on watch for it to come would still be in its pewter holder by the time it finds me, or burned out. I could not even bring myself to much tears as usual, meaning I am so spent up!
Life. Very mystique! While I was growing up I saw Aunties prayed, cried for a life partner. And as a stupid child that I was at the time who had no vague clue about the life she is growing up in, I told myself, that was bullshit! All you need do is pursue your career, continue being beautiful and all the men in the world will follow and stay faithful to you. But now I know better. I know bitter. I learned in a terrible hard ways. Even though I have always looked not with my eyes, but searched with my soul. The harmless soul that is now weary. At this point in my life, I have seen it all! I want no more. Because what MORE or than grief?
I'm gonna carry my cross, look for that friend that lies still inside of me, breath her in, breath her out and breath her in again and travel the rest of the journey with her. Shut out my heart that speaks incessantly in favor of others. No more final attempt.
"Hold on, hold on. Do give him a chance. You never could tell, he just might be the man you have been waiting for."
No more back and forth argument in my mind. I was done long time ago, lost! I was rescued somewhat, but my knife still landed on the face.
In spite all this misfortune, I kept giving my heart, trust and love in totality. Rather than find peace, I was done in. My first name is Done... my middle name, Give up... and my surname is what is More...